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Frank Bures: Covid relief with New Year's musings

Frank Bures: Covid relief with New Year's musings

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When we are hardly able to think about anything else but COVID, coronavirus, testing, vaccines, etc., it might help to get a little respite from the oppressive tsunami of dismal daily information washing over us. I’m offering a hypothetical theory I’ve mused over for years, finally formulating a concept about the force of gravity on our bodies.

The force of gravity (FOG) is the attraction between or among objects. The greater the density or mass of an object, the greater FOG it has. Do you sense an impending weighty discussion? You ask, where is this going? Is the writer a little FOGgy?

Well, it is winter holiday vacation time, and yet another vacant medical/scientific theory of preposterous proportions is emerging from the Institute for Simple Minded Gene Research, Bohemian Division (ISMGRBV), as it has every New Year for the past 38 some years. Here, we use the simple minded approach of pure observation and conclusion, as did Isaac Newton when he conceived his theory of gravity after an apple fell off a tree and bonked him on the noggin.

As a matter of fact, that is the very concept at the center of our present pre-postulation: is FOG friend or foe? It is the single constant force at work on our physical beings for our entire lives. Might it not be responsible for many of the events our bodies experience as we age, a grave influence from cradle to grave? All our tiny molecules and genes may get worn down from fighting FOG’s steady pull, and continually slow down until we become horizontal instead of erect, and slip back into the nitrogen cycle?

Witness the insidious conditions that develop during aging, such as Furniture Disease (where your chest falls into your drawers), or Dunlop Disease (where your belly dun lop over your belt), and where things formerly called cheeks turn into wrinkles and jowls. These time and gravity (?) dependent maladies were the inspiration for this researcher’s speculations on the medical effects of FOG after he noticed his own disturbing downward droop due to FOG.

The real issue in aging may be whether we are battling Father Time or Grandma Gravity, since the FOG bears down on us throughout our entire existence. There is no escape. We are stuck with and because of it.

You may wonder where this ponderous pondering is headed. Since we are wrestling with a pioneering concept on the fringes (!) of scientific thought, we have not yet formulated a complete theory. But we feel an irresistible pull toward incriminating FOG in messing up — or down — our mature tissues.

What’s so good or bad about gravity? No conclusion yet, or what to do about it in the second place. But, where would we be without the FOG? Probably our physical functions would undergo molecular disorder and anarchy, and we would fly off the earth into space. Which may be where this medical musing came from and should return. Still, keep it in mind as you look around your world and into your mirrors, as we do at the Institute. From all of us at the ISMGRBV have a safe, healthy, and much better New Year (than 2020). We hope this medical whimsy gave your COVID concerns some brief relief.

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