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Their intense focus will never happen when you are explaining how to use the washing machine, why it is important to wake up prior to the school bus arriving or why it’s a bad idea to drive on empty. The radar, rather, sends flashing signals, bells and whistles that alert your child to take note of the exclamations used when you dropped the gas can on your toe. Yes, they were the same ones your children are not allowed to use.
It picked up on the time you called your daughter irresponsible for losing her keys, and then you misplaced your purse. The radar didn’t falter the time you forgot to turn off your cell phone in church after telling the kids you would kill them if theirs were left on.
Kids delight in pointing out every time we parents do something we have lectured them not to do. And while most mistakes are easy to explain, some are more difficult. How do you respond, for example, if after teaching kids that cheating is wrong, they ask if you have ever done it? What about stealing, lying or underage drinking? Do you confess to doing things you have preached against?
Most of us recall doing something as a kid we wish we hadn’t. It may have been acting mean to someone, egging a house or something more serious such as trying alcohol, drugs or sex. It’s usually a good idea to keep honesty as the best policy, but what if it backfires? Kids may see that you survived and think they should be able to do the same thing and turn out OK, too.
It is a good idea to think about how you want to respond to these questions before being confronted with them. That way, you will be prepared to bolt from the room or discuss them in a way that allows you to direct the conversation.
First, ask your child why he is inquiring about your past. This is a great opportunity to learn whether your child is debating doing something he’s not supposed to, if he’s being pressured into risky behavior or if he’s just plain curious. Whether you admit to past shenanigans or not, this conversation will open the discussion to pros and cons of the action.
Before confessions are made, keep in mind your child’s age and maturity level. Will he be able to handle learning you went by the name “Chugger” in high school? If you are concerned this information would lead to confusion or a poor opinion of you, then it’s best to hold off on revealing this until he is better able to process your personal information.
Before divulging, be sure your child can understand that you are using honesty as a way of teaching him why he should not try drugs, cheat, or engage in some other behavior rather than to endorse the behavior. Emphasize how engaging in the behavior is something you regret. Be sure your child knows that just because nothing bad happened to you, that does not guarantee the same for him.
Kids are more impressed and influenced by real-life situations than hypothetical scenarios. Therefore, do not exaggerate the consequences when trying to dissuade them from doing something. Telling them if they steal a gumball they are sure to get caught, go to jail, rot and die there never to see a kind living soul again will only prevent them from taking you seriously. Instead, if you know someone who did endure consequences from a bad decision, ask them to talk to your child so they can relay firsthand results of bad choices.
Remember that kids don’t want a lecture. Keep the conversation two-sided by asking for their own experiences, friends’ experiences and opinions.
Getting the message “do as I say, not as I do” across can be difficult. Whether you decide to tell or not, be sure to use the opportunity to discuss the tough stuff. And next time, maybe I’ll think twice before nagging at the kids for losing their lunch money.
Now, has anyone seen my cell phone?
Ann-Marie Berg can be reached at amhberg@mchsi.com.
