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And as a parent, you are expected to solve the problem fairly by determining who started the argument, which by now has evolved into something completely unrelated to the original spat. With both children accusing each other of heinous acts while simultaneously denying each other’s allegations, getting to the root of the problem becomes more difficult than solving global warming.
Even if you successfully end one argument, it’s usually not long before another one starts because, in kid world, there are just so many things to fight about. It could be the basketball that no one wanted six months ago that is now deflated in a corner of the garage covered in spider webs. If one child wants it, another will fight for it. A piece of lint from the carpet can become a sought-after treasure, with one child screaming he found it first, so finders keepers. The other child really has no use for the lint, and, despite an entire carpet full of lint, will only want that particular piece of lint, and both children will swear they cannot live without it. So how do we intervene appropriately while hopefully putting an end to the constant battles?
Keep in mind that many arguments are attempts to get attention. Kids may be bored, feel ignored or think a sibling is getting more than their share of attention. To help prevent this, try to praise your child’s good behaviors and reward positive interactions whenever possible. Feeding the desired behaviors will not only make kids feel good, but also will decrease their tendencies to seek attention in negative ways.
Make your children responsible for their own disagreements. Let them know you do not want to play referee and expect them to figure out their own solutions. This approach will teach problem-solving and negotiation skills. If kids cannot solve arguments on their own, then discipline each child without spending time getting to the root of the problem. Also determine appropriate consequences for arguments before they begin. That’s right, try to imagine and anticipate every insane thing children could drum up to argue about and then agree on appropriate consequences. The idea is that kids will be less inclined to involve parents when they know there will be ramifications for not solving problems on their own.
Find a rare moment when your children are not actively arguing so you can teach them how to fight. Explain that under no circumstances will you tolerate name calling, physical fighting, swearing or destructive comments to each other. Tell them these actions will always be grounds for strict discipline regardless of who started what. Then explain how to effectively solve a problem through active listening, compromising and recognizing when emotions are escalating. Kids should learn that it is impossible to rationally solve an issue when emotions are out of control. Teach the importance of taking a deep breath or walking away from a situation for a few minutes to help facilitate conflict resolution.
Recognize that kids can spend only so much time together, about 15 seconds on average, before getting on each other’s nerves. Respect their need for space by arranging individual play dates or activities, or even just encouraging down time in their rooms or in separate areas of the house. This pre-emptive intervention can decrease arguments spurred from togetherness overtime.
The power of compliments and praise is phenomenal. Try setting aside time during dinner or at weekly family meetings for each child to offer a compliment or say something nice about their siblings. This will improve respect for each other, which should in turn make them less inclined to pick on one another.
Siblings and arguments go way back. Teaching kids how to independently negotiate and problem solve is a valuable skill they will use throughout their lives while making yours a little easier.
Ann-Marie Berg is a pediatric nurse practitioner and freelance writer whose work appears in other newspapers. She can be reached at amhberg@mchsi.com.
