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Just as we try to even the scores with hugs for the middle child, he will turn and whack his sister on the head. We are left with no choice but to punish him, thus tipping the scales of scoldings for the day and shortchanging him of praise. Or just when we sit down to read with the first born, the youngest child will fall from his bike and need us more. Once again, we are accused of favoritism for going to the ER to fix his broken bones rather than reading with our neglected older child.
Many parents go to great lengths to spread love evenly and treat each child the same. Most of us know, however, that despite our efforts, we do end up treating children differently because circumstances seem to prevent perfect division of our time and affection. And despite what we tell the kids, most of us do, in fact, have favorites. It is only natural to love our oldest child more the time he doesn’t get picked to play on a team, to love his sister best when she is excluded from a party, to love her brother more when he fails the test he studied for all night, to love the middle child best when she felt the world was against her, or her brother most when he got the flu on prom night.
So how do we reassure our children that our love for them is the same, even when it doesn’t seem like it?
First, remember that life’s not fair. There is simply no way each child will receive the same amount of affection, praise or consequences as their siblings do at the exact same time. Children know that if a sibling is acting like an angel, they should respond by acting like a devil, and vice versa. Therefore, you will praise and scold simultaneously, making one child seem favored while one seems picked on. Disciplining and teaching each child differently and circumstantially is not favoring, but rather good parenting. Besides, the good news is that kids imitate each other, and soon the devil will be an angel and the angel become devil-child, and in the end the score usually evens out.
Treat children individually rather than as a group by giving each child what he needs when he needs it. For example, do not feel compelled to buy each child a new pair of shoes just because one child’s shoes no longer have soles. Let children realize their needs will be different at different times and that you will respond accordingly. This will help reduce accusations of favoritism, not to mention save the budget, when one child receives something and the others do not.
It is normal for one child, usually the same one repeatedly, to need extra TLC at times. Giving that TLC likely will be at the expense of time devoted to his siblings. Recognizing that your attention likely will always be unbalanced will help avoid exhausting efforts to be perfect. Kids will learn that you will make time for each of them when they need it, easing the jealousy kids feel toward each other when Marcia, Marcia, Marcia seems to be getting all the attention.
It is natural to occasionally bond or identify with the child who induces the fewest migraines. When this happens, it is still important to find special time to devote to the other children as well.
Avoid comparing your children. Nothing suggests favoritism more than asking Slob why he can’t be more like Marcia.
Praise your children whenever you can. Creating an environment of acceptance, pride and affection will keep kids confident of your love even when they aren’t receiving the bulk of your attention.
Children simply refuse to be happy, sad, frustrated, injured or elated simultaneously. Because of this, parents simply must make gallant strides to show constant love for all while being there for each child when he needs us most. Then, kids will come to appreciate these efforts and understand that we are not playing favorites, but favoring them all.
Ann-Marie Berg is a pediatric nurse practitioner and freelance writer whose work appears in other newspapers. She can be reached at amhberg@mchsi.com.
