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If you plan to begin your life together this summer with only grand wedding plans and haven’t thought about the morning after the wedding, or the years and decades that will (hopefully) follow, here is my advice before you begin your journey:
Prepare for change. Years from now, you will not be the same people you are today. My hair color has changed a zillion times in the course of my marriage. My husband learned early on to say nothing after he said, “Did you mean to do that?” when we were newlyweds. Roll with the punches and accept the changes that you have no control over — like wrinkles, receding hairlines and canceling anniversary plans because your 2-year-old comes down with chicken pox.
Expect tough times. You will not stay young forever — and neither will your parents. Know that illness occurs in families. I stood beside my husband when we had to put his dad in a nursing home, and I was with him in the hours before his dad passed away. We have watched our extended family struggle with cancer and diabetes, and we have had our own health scares. Our infant son was severely injured right in front of our eyes. We held each other up during those times. This is the sickness and health stuff you need to pay close attention to. Through these tough times, the cement of marriage is mixed and poured.
Maintain a sense of humor. If we weren’t able to laugh along the way, life together wouldn’t be any fun at all. Joe has always been able to make me laugh, and I know that I make him laugh too. I have always told him that as long as we can make each other laugh, growing old together won’t be so bad. So I may have to wear Depends for incontinence, but I’ll be all the more protected when Joe says something really funny and I do indeed wet my pants!
Mean what you say and say what you mean. Communication is key. If you stop talking to each other, you’ll find yourselves on a slippery slope toward a marriage that soon feels empty. I learned a long time ago that semantics were extremely important when talking to my spouse. Rather than saying, “Why didn’t you do this … ?” I learned to say, “Joe, did you have a chance to … ?” Be honest with each other. If you are angry, sad, or worried, tell each other and then just keep on talking. Never ever stop talking.
Time is more important than money. Realize that time goes by very quickly and our lives can change in an instant. Joe and I both work in education and spend our summer months together with our children. We feel like millionaires in the summer because we are sitting on big piles of time — time we get to share with each other and our kids before they are grown and ready for the world away from us.
Marriage is a crazy ride through all kinds of varied terrain. Learn to navigate. Take turns driving. Take the scenic route now and then. Plan to get lost once in awhile too. Don’t speed through it. You may need repairs along the way and sometimes you will run out of gas or experience a flat tire. Just remember to wear a seatbelt, keep your hands firmly on the wheel and hang on tight — you’re in for the ride of your life!
Karen Dulak writes her column from her home in Winona, which she shares with her husband, Joe; her kids, Josh and Kate; and her cat, Cheeto, who loves Joe more than her. She can be reached at karendulak@yahoo.com
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