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When Gayle complained about warm beer, I knew we had a problem.
In the 18 years we owned it, only twice had I given serious thought to the refrigerator — when the door handle came loose and when the door became so dinged it demanded repainting.
This was the third, and I had a hunch it wouldn’t be fixed with a spray can or a screwdriver. Pretty much by definition, the temperature inside the fridge is to be lower than the temperature outside, and when it isn’t — and the plug is in and the electric bill is paid — odds are good it’s time to see an appliance dealer. Soon.
True, I’ve yet to own a car manufactured in the decade of its purchase, and it’s also true that I know more uses for duct tape, WD-40 and wire coat hangers than three average guys put together, but even I realize that a properly functioning refrigerator is all that stands between me and ptomaine and warm beer. Granted there are treatments for ptomaine, but other things are just not worth the risk.
So I resolved to devote a bit of the next day’s lunch hour to make the commercial arrangements that would keep my lunches fresh and tasty years into the future.
It seemed like a relatively straightforward task. Essentially, a refrigerator is nothing but a large box with shelves and cold air inside — Missouri cold air in one part, Minnesota cold in another. A light bulb is nice — it lets you tell the moldy beans from the more recent before they hit your plate — but beyond that what more could there be?
Well, more than I thought.
Take those shelves, for instance. Up until last Tuesday, I don’t believe I gave much thought to refrigerator shelves — unless they were full when I had more stuff to put on them or empty when I was looking for a snack. But it appears somebody has put a lot of thought into refrigerator shelves. In short order, I learned that glass shelves that split in half are better than glass shelves that are in one piece and either is better than the wire shelves that have been in every refrigerator I had previously made my home with. At least I assume glass is better — otherwise, why would they charge more for it?
They had several models that had a little water spigot built right into the door. I decided to pass, the kitchen sink being just a seven-foot walk from the refrigerator door. Besides, the water glasses are in the cupboard just above and to the left of the sink, so, unless I wanted to drink out of my hands, I’d have to make the trip anyway.
The same sort of logistical thinking went into declining the optional ice maker. Because ice is nothing more than a mix of cold air and tap water, at current mileage rates I’d have to make about 23,000 trays of ice before I’d have walked far enough to cover the extra cost of that labor-saving feature. Not a good payback.
I also learned that they charge less if the freezer is on the top than if it’s on the bottom, though nobody really explained why. I wondered why you couldn’t just turn a top mount upside down and save the money — except the light would be on the bottom and that would make the food look spooky, and after a few weeks food looks spooky enough on its own.
Of course, when it comes to refrigerator doors, indecision is what really costs. Folks who can’t decide if the freezer should be up or down can get it side-by-side — so you have a really tall skinny freezer and a fridge to match. Of course, you pay a real premium for this, and it means you have to store your frozen pizzas on edge like old-fashioned vinyl record albums.
I have to confess, I was none too impressed with the plethora of itty-bitty compartments featured on the spendier models. I know some folks get agitated if their foods “touch” on their plates, but carrying this over to cold storage is over-pandering to the infantile.
Our old fridge had two fruit and vegetable bins — one of which was used for beer and the other for soda — that sufficed greatly in the replacement model as well — though I did take to the special shelf for chilling wine offered in one model. It was nice, but not $500 nice.
After serious deliberation, I picked out the one with no door handles to come loose and a light in the freezer compartment. Our old one didn’t have that. It’s a nice feature.
After a week, the beer’s still cold, my lunch is fresh, the pizzas are lying flat and frozen solid, and the pain in the credit card is starting to ease up when I sit down.
What more can a guy ask for?
Contact Jerome Christenson at (507) 453-3500 or jchristenson@winonadailynews.com.
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