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Story originally printed in the Winona Daily News or online at www.winonadailynews.com

Published - Sunday, April 27, 2008

Remembering the good stuff: Write down feelings

By Donna Strumski | Community columnist

There’s a golden rule in communication. When you have bad news, say it. When you have good news, write it.

It makes sense. The written stuff is what you keep. You eventually forget the rest. We keep cards and letters long after the relationships are over. We save e-mails in special folders so we can reread them. We don’t record conversations, Linda Tripp and the NSA excluded.

There are few people who are more eloquent when speaking than when writing. In most cases, we take more time to craft the written word. In conversation, we tend to blurt out whatever comes to mind. In writing, we can revise and select the best words possible. The printed word is tangible, and therefore, the meaning behind it is more palpable. Most importantly, writing is permanent.

We’ve all said things that we’ve regretted, and despite quite a lot of embarrassment, we are usually forgiven for our mistakes. It’s a lot easier to forget a sticky situation when it’s not staring back at you from the printed page. Even when caught on tape, a simple, “I was drunk at the time” or “That was said in haste” manages to get most people out of a lot of pickles. Alec and Ireland Baldwin are still on speaking terms.

Therefore, when we write something negative, it usually means we’ve taken the time to craft our negativity in the most eloquent or thoughtful way possible. A lot of things are said in anger, but when you take the time to write them, you really mean business.

One of my friends has an anger journal, she writes in it and then destroys what she has written — it is her way of venting. She doesn’t see the need to vent her anger to anything except a blank page. This I can understand. Maybe she has been burned before by way of a blabbermouth friend or maybe she just likes to write. Whatever the reason, she likes her form of therapy and says it keeps her relationships healthy. The key is destroying what you’ve written straightaway. There is no need to hold on to such negativity. Get it out and be done with it.

Those who write angry letters and actually send them are the ones that concern me. A friend of a friend sent out an e-mail to his entire address book proclaiming how much he hates his fiancée’s sister-in-law.

I’ve met this guy once and have no clue how he got my e-mail address, but I now know he has called his future sister-in-law some of the foulest names in the book. The rest of the recipients, including his brother and his future sister-in-law, cannot take it as lightly as the rest of us.

In one moment of anger, this man (if you can call him that) has forever crippled his relationship with his fiancée, whom he claims to love and respect, and her brother. Love is blind, and she may forgive this mistake, but the family he’s marrying into isn’t likely to. Even if time heals these wounds, he has about a hundred e-mails all serving as reminders of just what a jerk he can be. Things written in haste oftentimes do far more damage than those said in haste.

The written word seems to carry more weight than the spoken word. When someone takes the time to write out “I love you,” it means more to us than when they just say it. It also doesn’t hurt if those words are attached to a dozen roses or a ring from Tiffany’s. But, it’s the words that matter, otherwise women wouldn’t save all of those little gift cards from the trinkets they receive.

So, if you love, respect or miss someone, drop them a line and let them know, and if you’re angry with someone, by all means write them a letter telling them so, just make sure you hit the delete button instead of the send one.

Donna Strumski is a thirtysomething traveler who has a passion for both Bollywood and chocolate.