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Her explanation that they all have ebola virus and have been quarantined together at their favorite pizza joint doesn’t make you feel better. While this is bad, it is worse when our kids are the ones who get dumped for a better offer.
Like when your daughter makes plans to hang out with her friend Sneaky, but later Sneaky calls saying she has to cancel. Your daughter later finds out that Sneaky ended up going to a movie with another friend instead.
Most of us can relate to having two social offers come on the same night, usually the only ones we get all year, and having to pick between the two.
But most of us also stay committed to a plan once made because it is the right thing to do. But when kids don’t think twice about ditching each other it can cause hurt feelings and ruined friendships.
Protecting our kids from the rejection of getting blown-off, dissed or excluded is difficult because some kids only look out for themselves, are willing to drop anyone if a better offer comes along and basically have no sense of loyalty. So, what is the best way to help ease the disappointment, protect self-esteem and teach them to handle the situation in a healthy way?
It is easy for parents to emotionally react when a child is dumped or is simply excluded. It may even stir up memories of being told by Snobby Sally in first grade that you couldn’t belong to the Swing-Set Club, or when Popular Patti didn’t invite you to her Perfect Pajama Party.
It is important, however, to take a step back and not get so wrapped up in our kids’ social lives that we lose perspective or the ability to offer grounded advice. Besides, when your child sees you upset, it may make her feel even worse.
Resist the temptation to say mean things about the kid who blew your child off. Remember, nothing good comes out of spite.
Dissing someone will not make her feel better about the situation, and only sends a bad message of how to handle her feelings. Besides, kids change best friends every few hours, and you don’t want your child to think you dislike her friend when they make-up later.
Instead, be empathetic. Acknowledge her feelings, and agree it is normal to feel sad or confused when hurt by a friend. Spend a lot of time reinforcing that your child is great for who she is. Take the opportunity to share your own childhood rejections, emphasizing how you survived the experiences.
Take advantage of the opportunity to discuss what makes good friends, and what she should look for in friendships. Discuss values like honesty, commitment and loyalty. Role play how to handle the situation if she were the one who had plans with one friend and then another calls with an invitation to go see the Sonic Headache concert.
Don’t always assume the worst. Perhaps she wasn’t invited to the birthday party because only a certain number of guests were allowed. Discuss realistic possibilities before jumping to conclusions.
Instead of dwelling on rejection, encourage her to do something she enjoys like having a different friend over, making a disaster out of her room or playing basketball.
Help your child decide how to handle the friend when she sees her next. Instead of ignoring or being mean to Rudegirl, encourage her to be honest about her feelings.
Have her explain to Rudegirl that she did not appreciate the way she was treated. This will hopefully help Rudegirl understand how her actions make others feel. Staying calm will help avoid making negative statements to Rudegirl which may later be regretted, or cause the situation to escalate.
Also, each experience of standing up for herself will make your child a stronger person. The more comfortable she becomes with asserting herself the less likely she will be to hang out with friends who treat her poorly.
It is never easy to be the one excluded. Unfortunately, sooner or later it happens to everyone. Empathizing with your child, reinforcing self-esteem, and talking about values will help strengthen her commitment to herself, and to loyal and honest friendships.
