When am I too old to have a tantrum?
By Maggie Modjeski

There are times in life when I wish there were an instruction manual for parenting.

While there are too many books, magazines, and articles about parenting to count, there just isn’t a universal “how to” manual on raising well-rounded, well-behaved, successful children.
The topic of life not being fair came up with my 6-year-old son the other day. He was disappointed because just as he arrived at the pool — a reward for good behavior — it had to be closed because of a sanitary emergency.

As we headed home, he ranted and raved, yelled and screamed. I tried to be patient. Knowing he was disappointed, I tried to explain sometimes accidents happen, things out of our control and it’s not fair, so we are disappointed.

As he continued his tirade, I had to remind him he’s too old for that type of behavior. This statement stopped him mid-tantrum.

“How old are you when you become too old to have a tantrum?” he asked.

Good question. I don’t know.

Do we ever stop having tantrums, or do we just change how we have them. As adults, if something doesn’t go our way and we have a disagreement that ends with slamming a door, is that considered a tantrum?

Or if something disappoints us and we give others the cold shoulder, is that not just another form of a tantrum?

My son’s question has kept me awake at night trying to figure out how to forewarn him that life won’t always be fair and there will be times that we are disappointed or angry but can’t dwell on the problem. We, as adults, are supposed to be mature enough to move on and accept an apology or the situation and make the best of it.

According to the Cleveland Clinic Department of Psychiatry and Psychology, anger — especially suppressed anger — can lead to high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin and digestive disorders.

Our children may have it right. Instead of bottling it up, they let it out full force for a few minutes, and it’s all over. Usually after a big tantrum my 3-year-old falls asleep. I can’t think of a better way to deal with things that anger us: Yell at the offender, stomp your feet and cry, and then take a nap.

Disappointment is a bitter pill for children to learn to swallow, especially because it just tastes worse as they get older. Ironically, I think kids learn that disappointing someone may be more painful than being disappointed.

From an early age, children seek our approval and can sense when a parent is disappointed. I remember as a child I preferred being grounded to having a parent or respected adult tell me they were disappointed in me.

The same is true for adults. We strive for success, and when we fall short it’s much more difficult when we know we have let someone down than if nobody cares.

The Web site Goodcharacter.com — a teaching tool for educators and parents — has several tips for helping children when they are disappointed or feel they have disappointed another. While they are designed for children, I really feel as an adult they can be helpful as well.

The tips include:

nStop. Calm Down. Give yourself some time. Things might not seem nearly so bad tomorrow.

I agree. Things always look better in the morning.

nGet your feelings out in a way that doesn’t hurt you or anybody else. This is a tough one for my boys, who seem to take great joy in maiming in an effort to make me see how disappointed they are.

nTalk about it with parents or a good friend. As a female I can attest nothing is better than a night with the girls.

nAsk yourself if this is really worth getting angry or upset about. Usually it isn’t.

nThink about what you can learn from the experience and how you can do better next time.

nDon’t judge yourself. Failing at something does not mean that you are a failure. I am in the process of banning the words “failure,” “quit” and “can’t” from our household.

I have used these ideas with my children and myself, and they have made a world of difference. Though now and then, I would like to stomp my feet and take a nap, I know that if there were a parenting “how to” guide that wouldn’t be acceptable.

Maggie Modjeski is the former executive director for the Winona Community Foundation and also served with Winona County Big Brothers/Big Sisters. She writes about the challenges and joys of raising a family and being part of the Winona community. Her e-mail address is maggiem@hbci.com.

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