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Mediocrity has been a growing concern among parents and experts recently. Are we allowing and teaching our children that it’s OK to just get by and be average? And if we are, is that a good way to raise our children and what will the outcome be?
Parents, educators and psychologists are breaking away from the 1980s self-esteem movement in which we praised children for everything. I’m OK, you’re OK was the mantra.
The backlash has started as children expect praise for things they would normally be expected to do. I have witnessed it myself with my own children as they expect praise for sleeping in their own beds at night or finishing their dinner without complaint.
As product of the self-esteem movement, I struggled. In the early 1990s, my high school was a test school for outcome based education. Many classes would no longer have C, D or F grades. Instead you could earn an A, B or Incomplete. The process included teaching an outcome and testing the students. If you passed the test the first time, you could do extra work on that outcome for an A while the rest of the class was retested until they got a B.
If you didn’t pass again, you moved on to the next outcome still studying and testing for the one you hadn’t passed. At the end of the quarter, if you hadn’t passed outcomes you received an Incomplete until you passed and then received your B grade.
I struggled with this in physics. Science wasn’t my strength. I took the tests over and over still not attaining the B. The more I had to take the tests, the more frustrated I became. Finally I passed, all the while thinking I would have rather taken my C and applied myself in the classes where I was stronger. I have yet to use physics in my daily life. To be honest, I only took the class because my prom date was in it.
I do not know how popular OBE is today but it has been highly criticized as taking accountability away from the schools.
Now as I raise my own children I want them to have self esteem but I don’t want to water it down and make them frustrated when they can’t always do great things. Robin Goodman, a psychologist at the New York University Child Study Center, said, “Having high self-esteem does not mean you’re good at everything. It’s about knowing your limits and managing them without becoming undone. Nor can you bestow self esteem on someone through praise.”
I completely agree. I want to praise my children for their strengths, and for them to know that it’s OK if you aren’t good at something. I don’t want to always be finding something to praise them about even if it’s below average. It will be beneficial to them because as they grow older, it becomes harder to earn praise unless you truly are successful or above average. I have never had a boss that has given me praise for just doing what was expected.
Martin Ford, a professor of education at George Mason University and author of “Motivating Humans: Goals, Emotions, and Personality Agency Beliefs,” explains three ways to help children gain self-esteem without the constant praise:
n Help kids discover their talents. My son likes to draw and seems artistic, so I encourage him to take the time to do it each day. He becomes very frustrated with team sports as he isn’t the most patient, so we have focused him on more individual activities, hoping these activities may click for him. Ford says parents should focus on the child’s activities — not talking on a cell phone during a hockey game or just glancing at their art work. Point out that you really are present and aware of what they are doing. Set small attainable goals for your children, something that they have to work for but can reach and celebrate when accomplished.
n Let the bubble burst now and then. Nobody likes defeat, but it is a part of life. I for one will never argue with a teacher over a grade because in the real world, poor work does not earn raises or bonuses. This is a hard lesson to learn but better learned early than late.
n Speak the language of success. This doesn’t mean constant praise, but recognizing mistakes and helping children move forward versus getting frustrated. Ford explains that praise should fall into two areas: ordinary encouragement with informative feedback and effusive compliments that should only be used for special occasions.
I may be OK and you may be OK, but I want the children of our future to work hard to be great.
Maggie Modjeski is the former executive director for the Winona Community Foundation and had also served with Winona County Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Each Monday, she writes about the challenges and joys of raising a family and being part of the Winona community. Her email address is maggiem@hbci.com.
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Ford wrote on Jul 12, 2007 12:08 AM: