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I learned a valuable lesson this past year. Never judge until you put yourself in the other person’s shoes. As comfortable as those shoes look, they may pinch your toes more than you like.
A year ago I sat in my hospital bed, having just given birth to my daughter. She slept, I checked my work e-mails, responded to some, and had my job at the back of my mind even though I had just taken part in one of the most special things that can happen in life.
I worked full time and planned on maintaining my career while raising three young children. I was a volunteer on many other projects and boards and knew that this was what I wanted. I never could understand how women could stay at home and accomplish nothing — or so I thought.
Circumstances changed in my life soon after the birth, and I decided to be a stay-at-home mom. Finances may be tight, but this was something I wanted to try. How hard could it be? I would read to my children, cook wonderful, healthy meals, volunteer at school and keep my house spotless.
Was I ever wrong. Those shoes of the stay-at-home mom that looked so comfortable have pinched my toes more than I ever thought.
The line in the sand has been drawn between working moms and stay-at-home moms. The “Mommy Wars” have begun.
A 1998 Washington Post Magazine article was considered ground zero. Tracy Thompson, staff writer for the Washington Post and most recently author of the book, “The Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children and Struggling with Depression,” wrote of her journey from the working world to staying at home, and in a world like Washington, D.C., the effects weren’t pretty.
Much like Thompson, I found myself falling out of touch with those I socialized with in the working world. I had no business cards or fancy title. I was a homemaker.
While I used to look forward to network nights, I found myself looking forward to my Early Childhood Education classes where I could vent my current potty training frustrations with men and ladies who I probably never would have met and now can’t live without.
As winter rolled around I started to question my abilities as a stay-at-home mom. My floors needed to be washed, laundry was piling up and there never seemed to be enough time in the day. Between breakfast clean-up, diaper changes, rides to and from school, the list went on and on, and I was lonely.
The day may go by without talking to anyone but my 3-year-old, so when the phone rang I jumped at the chance to speak to the telemarketer about what they were fundraising for and how they could do it better.
My husband would dread coming home to me, a known talker. I would attack him about his day: Who did you see? Where did you go?
He just wanted five minutes of peace.
I wondered how did I do this and work. The answer: I had deadlines, and the children were in day care, not at home playing. So I set deadlines for myself in the home, and it worked.
I now know how hard mom’s work on both sides of the fence. When I worked out of the home I felt guilt for leaving my children. Now I wonder if my brain is turning to mush. Am I putting my education to use?
According to Thompson, “We say we value motherhood, but in fact what we value is jobs with power and paychecks. We structure the workplace to give women money and feedback and perks they would never get at home, and then we expect them to say they’d rather be at home with the kids.”
For me the jury is still out. I am grateful I have had this time to spend with my children, that I have created their routines and that I am the one they look to. I have witnessed my daughter’s firsts, things that I may have missed with the boys.
While the shoes have become broken in and my blisters have healed, I am still not sure if they are the right pair, but I will always be grateful I had the opportunity to try them on.
Maggie Modjeski is the former executive director for the Winona Community Foundation and has served with Winona County Big Brothers/Big Sisters. She writes about the joys of raising a family and being part of Winona. Her e-mail address is maggiem@hbci.com.
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To single Mom wrote on Jul 2, 2007 7:14 AM: