Story originally printed in the Winona Daily News or online at www.winonadailynews.com

Published - Sunday, August 20, 2006

Love, marriage and ... lutefisk?

Bt T.J. LETTNER / Community columnist

The November winds of Wisconsin will usher in a pretty big debate this year. No, it’s not the debate on whether Brett Favre should and will retire or which purse goes best with blaze orange. The debate is whether or not the state of Wisconsin should amend its constitution to ban same sex marriages and civil unions, thus allowing for, or denying, marital rights of same-sex couples.

Since Minnesota is one of only about a dozen states that does not either have a vote on the issue this fall, or does not already have something in the books, I wonder how long it will be before the debate crosses the Mississippi?

The question of how we define marriage got me thinking about my own. To be honest, I’m still amazed that I was able to convince my wife to marry me in the first place. Maybe it was because when I proposed, we were hiking in the mountains behind Las Vegas, and had she said no, I could have left her up there. But she hasn’t left me yet, so what makes it work?

Some people say that what makes a marriage work is good communication. I’m an excellent listener, so long as we’re talking about something that interests me. Sometimes she’ll talk for an hour about things like what to wear to dinner tonight, how to decorate the house, what happened on Dr. Phil today … and all I can think about is “Mmm … dinner. I like chicken.” If she could just limit the topics to baseball, food and Pamela Anderson I’d be the conversation king.

Others will tell you that what makes a marriage work is remembering to do the little things. You know: buy flowers “just because,” or remember to compliment each other every day. For women, the “little things” are important to feel connected, to feel needed, and to feel loved. For men, the “little things” are merely currency for sex. We’ll bank those things like savings bonds.

Another theory as to what makes a marriage work is a deep, spiritual and emotional connection. I’m about as deep as a puddle, so that can’t be it.

Some people think what makes a marriage work is something called unconditional love. Unconditional love means she has to love me, like it or not. It was in the vows. No matter how late I am, how poorly I listen, or how empty the “little things” piggy bank gets, she has to stick with me. I like that one.

Regardless, you don’t have a marriage by definition alone; you have to have something that makes it work. Believe me: I know a number of married people who don’t really have a marriage. Redefining the legal term for marriage will have no impact on my own, so why should I care if the meaning of the word changes to allow same-sex couples to tie a pink knot?

Some people say that same-sex marriage and civil unions are against God’s law; “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” If that’s the basis for the argument it has no room in our constitutions. Furthermore, if a certain church or religion doesn’t believe or wish to acknowledge same-sex marriage, then don’t. Just because the state allows it doesn’t mean the churches have to do it. You can still belong to one that refuses to grant same sex marriages if that’s what makes you a better Christian.

Other people contend that same-sex marriages and civil unions are an unnatural abomination that corrupt family values. If you want an unnatural abomination, look at Michael Jackson. He was married twice. And if you think same-sex marriages are a corruption of family values, we’re a society that allows crack-heads, criminals, and Ozzy Osbourne to marry and have kids. Are a couple of antiquers from San Francisco really more of a threat to children than Britney Spears?

I think a lot of people are against same sex marriage because it’s … well … it’s just kind of icky. People don’t like to think about “You may now kiss the … groom.” I think lutefisk is pretty sick, and if that’s what you’re serving for dinner, I’m not coming over. If you don’t like how someone lives, don’t swing under their rainbow.

I enjoy having someone to share my life with every day, and no matter how the state defines marriage, there is nothing that can take that away from me. Yet I also appreciate that I am legally recognized as having made a lifelong commitment to my wife. And the insurance benefits aren’t bad, either.

This isn’t about whether or not you agree with that kind of lifestyle, it’s about equality and marriage. Look at your own: Does the definition of a few terms change how you feel about your spouse? Does it make your love any less powerful? Does granting others the ability to marry take anything away from your own? If not, why should we deny marriage to others just because we might not agree with how they live? If not, why should we care how other people serve their lutefisk as long as we’re not tasting it. If not, why not let it happen in Wisconsin, Minnesota, and anywhere else where we truly believe that all men are created equal, even when those men dig other men?

T.J. Lettner describes himself as husband, father, and young adult who’s still not quite ready to grow up. He can be reached at tjlettner@yahoo.com.